Mayra...

I used to weigh about 310lbs. To be honest with you I didn't feel that big. It wasn't a problem; I have way more of a problem with my weight now than I did when I was 300 pounds. Back then I wasn't into guys, I was more about my family, more about my girlfriends and stuff until one day I looked at photos and I did a comparison with my body and my friends' bodies and I was just like, oh my God, I am just too big! I decided to do something about it then. I had heard my whole life "oh you should lose weight you're such a pretty girl." So I stopped eating out, stopped drinking soda, stopped eating candy and junk for a whole year. I lost the most weight my first year and then after the first year I became a gym addict. It got a little out of hand, I was working out for hours a day and eating very little, so I had to drop back a bit and become more sensible. That last 20 lbs was murder to lose.

After I lost all that weight I started developing a sense of fashion and style. I became interested in modeling because I was tall and liked clothes. I started researching modeling agencies and I noticed that some of them were thin, but not super crazy thin and that's when I learned there was such a thing as plus size modeling. Plus modeling is a weird name for it, because there are actually girls thinner than me and they make a living from plus size modeling at a size 8 or 10. To society, to people that aren't in the industry, we look like normal girls, even a lot thinner than most women out there. Yet we're considered plus size, not normal sized. I do think it's a little ridiculous because straight size models are just too, too, too thin and I feel like it gives younger girls, even children, a bad perspective on what they should look like.

I have like a really close friend of mine that's super skinny I mean this girl must weigh about like a 105 pounds and she's about 5'8" you know so she looks like runway material, and of course, I look at her and I'm like that looks so cute on her, her jeans, her legs are so much thinner her waist is tiny and I wish that I could be that thin. What's funny is that SHE looks up to me, she tells me how great everything looks on me and I'm like, are you nuts, look at you, you're so skinny everything looks perfect on you. She used to be even thinner and she's trying to gain weight. You can't win! She's been really supportive of me, though. And I can't hate her because she's naturally skinny, you should see this girl hog down food like there's no tomorrow. Three Big Macs in a row, I'm not kidding.

Depending on what mood I'm in, sometimes there's times where I'll look at myself and I feel normal and then there's times when I looking the mirror and I'm like oh my God! I just feel so big! Maybe because I used to really BE big, I still feel that way, I don't see myself as I am now, but still, most of the time, I feel fat. Honestly, if I wasn't doing plus size I'd like to go down to about 135lbs. I like Mischa Barton, I think she has a killer body and I think she weighs about 135 at my height. It's not even about being thin, because even though she is a beautiful girl she's actually really skinny, even I can see that. Maybe she weighs less than 135?

I don't know why I'd like to be that skinny. I can't lose any more weight if I want to do the plus modeling, so I'm ok with what I weigh for now, pretty much. I must admit I do struggle with it a lot, though, like, telling myself every day "its ok, you don't look that bad now". For my ideal, though, I'd lose another 30 lbs from where I am now. I knew if I lost more weight I'd be right in the middle where I wouldn't be thin enough for straight modeling or big enough for plus. It was either I lose 50+ pounds and become a straight size or pretty much stay at where I am at, though, ironically I had to actually gain 10 pounds to do the plus modeling so right now it's rough for me because I was used to being a little bit thinner than what I am now. For me to have to gain some weight after working so hard to lose it was difficult; your jeans don't fit and you feel fat and it's not a good feeling.

I think the media has a lot to do with why I don't like feeling fat. For instance, in magazine makeovers, on talk shows, on TV shows, if they want to bring someone who's not a popular, cool girl, who's not pretty and sexually attractive they're going to bring out a big girl.  So that triggers in your mind she's not cool, she's not pretty, she's not popular—why? Because she's fat.  It's so insidious, its everywhere.